


Heart of the Jedi

by Nny11



Series: Close But No Cigar [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Anakin is a mess, Close but No Cigar AU, Doing the Right Thing, Force Visions, Gen, If the force would like to chill for one minute thanks, Ilum Crystal Cave fun, Jedi Gathering, snow is getting real close to being as annoying as sand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-28 04:36:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12598276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nny11/pseuds/Nny11
Summary: Ahsoka has a vision to get a second lightsaber. Anakin is haunted by Mortis and would really like ANY lightsaber thanks. Obi-Wan happily bypasses the Council and brings them both to Ilum.Anakin hopes that the Force is ok with this because he's not leaving without his crystal.





	Heart of the Jedi

**Author's Note:**

> Set in the later portion of "The Apprentice" and "Interruptions", this is the story explaining how Anakin got the crystal for that lightsaber he's had to hide from the Council.

Ahsoka sat still and calm across from him, eyes closed in meditation. Anakin was not envious of her because of it...ok he was completely envious. His heart was thumping away in his chest as if it would burst forth and splatter on the shuttle floor. Hell, it probably would keep panicking there, leaving little red spots wherever it flopped. Although Obi-Wan made no announcement about their descent, Anakin could feel it right now. It also wasn’t helping matters. He could feel the ship and her position in the air, against the planet, against the ground. They were approaching far slower than needed even with the wind buffeting around them. Despite all he could sense, Anakin was not in control of any of it.

His mother had held him close during a sandstorm, telling him ancient tales and stories. Two dragons that circled Tatooine, and their mother shaking inside the planet’s core. “They do as they please Ani, and when their anger strikes it is unforgiving.”

She’d wrapped her hands around his fists, a small kiss pressed into his temple.

“So...they’re angry? That’s why there’s the storm?” Anakin had been so young then. So very young.

“That is what they say.” His mother’s soft chuckle soothing where the sound of their hut trembling had terrified.

If planets used weather to show their displeasure, Anakin was pretty sure that Ilum was in a blind rage. Or perhaps, his mind unhelpfully added, perhaps it was the Force that was upset. Ilum was a Jedi planet, steeped in the Force and made of it in a way that most planets were not. The moment they’d come out of hyperspace he’d been rocked by the power held there. Millions of crystals, billions! Each one singing out to his presence in the force for just a brief moment. It had been beautiful even from a distance; a whole planet in the Force that seemed to sigh with relief when they arrived. He kinda wished it would be relieved that they were landing too. Anakin waited for a giant icy fist to smash their little shuttle to the ground, to splinter it into a thousand little pieces.

Obi-Wan set them down with a slight thump and Ahsoka’s eyes opened.

“Wow,” she was already grinning and he already hated her for whatever she was going to say, “you really don’t like when someone else flies do you?”

Alright, maybe he loved her a little for talking about the easy topic instead of making him talk about the big hard one. The wave of fond annoyance whisking away his fear, even if for just a second.

“No.” Anakin hissed, his leg bouncing up and down faster now that they had landed.

What if Ilum rejected him too? He wasn’t a Jedi, not really, and he wasn’t supposed to be here. He was never meant to be here. This had been a mistake. Ahsoka might want a second blade, but she’d had a vision telling her to get it, or to cleanse herself, or something. He hadn’t been completely paying attention to her as he worked out how to tell her he wanted a lightsaber too. She had a reason at least, and Anakin wanted one out of, what? Fear? 

(Ahsoka snarled as her lightsaber missed him by millimeters, her golden eyes cast shadows down her cheeks as they glowed in their sockets. His face burned from the heat and her skin burned unbearably hot where he pushed on her elbow. Dodge, just dodge, don’t hurt her. He didn’t want to hurt her! Ahsoka chopped down at his head and Anakin flipped sideways to avoid it. Please stop, please stop, please STOP-)

Partially. He had to admit that. Anakin wanted something else too though, he wanted to be prepared. He needed to be able to defend his friends and family; he needed to.

(Ahsoka fell to the ground, suddenly limp. Her presence in the Force was gone. All of her bouncing, glittery light. She was gone because he couldn’t stop her. He couldn’t fight the Son. Because of some ancient prophecy. He couldn’t protect her, Anakin screamed and pulled her lightsaber to him. The weight was familiar but the dark stain on the crystal...it pulsed, pulling on his rage.)

He wasn’t going to let it happen again. Not to anyone else. He was going to be prepared.

Obi-Wan’s hand was heavy and awkward on his shoulder, startling Anakin. He jerked to look up and found a parka held in his face. Right. Ice planet. Crystal. Not Mortis. Obi-Wan smiled at him fondly over the top of its fluffy hood. “Focus on the here and now Anakin.”

Anakin huffed even as snatched the parka out of his friend’s hands.

He was almost done wiggling into it when Ahsoka punched the ramp controls, and the three of them descended into the near blizzard as soon as he finished fastening the front closed. Anakin refused to feel bad about the three layers, two sets of gloves, fur lined hood, face mask, and goggles he wore. It was kriffing  **cold** and he could be warm instead of cold. Still he managed to get his bundled body to bend over so he could throw a small handful of snow at Ahsoka’s back. How come the girl who always stripped to skin first was only wearing a damned thick poncho? Like, what, she was actually just a furnace instead of a person? Despicable. And rude. Afterall she could let him carry her pick-a-back to reap the benefits and instead she was choosing to let him suffer in the cold. The wind blew the snow away before it could hit her and Anakin rolled his eyes. C’mon, that had been friendly! He sent out a small plea to the planet’s core. /Don’t play favorites this early ok?/

Obi-Wan had spoken to him on the way here, about kyber and the history of Jedi coming here to find their individual crystals. The significance of it. The repercussions. All the things that had been skipped in his education because he was a Jedi but not the right kind. He’d listened and memorized with laser focus despite having read about most of it from the archives. He was hungry for the knowledge. Desperate to be prepared. Ready for the responsibilities. His thoughts were interrupted as the entered the actual temple portion of Ilum. The grand statues holding giant glass discs and the cave entrance shrouded in ice. His breath fogged upwards as he stared in wonder. This was so much cooler in person.

As soon as they had arrived Obi-Wan shifted the light and melted the ice. Anakin watched and grinned as the water instantly froze again on the ground before reaching them. Ahsoka had blown out a large nervous lungful of air before walking into the cave without a word. Anakin, in stark contrast, stood frozen staring into the cave mouth as if it would eat him. Maybe Ilum had dragons too, maybe this was one right here. He was uncomfortably aware of how hot he suddenly felt. How sweat was starting to form on his neck. Was he going to die if he started sweating? All the gods he should have paid better attention to his outdoor survival class instead of lamenting how he’d never use the skills.

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan spoke softly just behind his left shoulder, “it’s normal to be nervous. We all are the first time we go in. What if there isn’t a crystal for me? What if I’m rejected? What will I see? ...It’s perfectly natural.”

Anakin turned slightly, for a moment desperate to see the Obi-Wan he’d first met, fresh into his Knighthood with that smile on his face as he taught anything to him. He had always seemed so wise and smart, and when he was younger Anakin had idolized him. He’d thought that someday he would outgrow that need for Obi-Wan’s approval, that someday he would find Master Kenobi staring serenely back at him. This time, as always, he found his Obi-Wan standing tall at his side. With a nose and ears that had already turned pink from the cold, and that same small smile. “You are meant to be here my friend. I promise you I will be here when you return.”

Anakin swallowed nervously and then almost frantically tore off his outer layer of clothes. The cold prickled across his skin, causing him to shudder even as relief washed over him. He probably looked ridiculous with an imprint from his goggles and his hair sticking up in all directions from static electricity. Obi-Wan didn’t laugh, he only clapped a reassuring hand on his shoulder before kneeling on the floor to meditate. Anakin haltingly walked towards the cave, pausing with one hand on the frosted edge. He took a deep centering breath and imagined all his fear as lightning streaking through his hand into the ice, that all the energy left flowed through him like power from a battery pack. When his hand burned from the cold he walked inside.

It was almost disappointing to realize that walking into the cave hadn’t felt any different from walking into a room. The first hallway was a crystal ice wonderland, but couldn’t even match the grandeur of the entryway. Worse, the deeper he went the less impressed he was. It was all so silent and still, nothing called to him. And, even though he’d known he wouldn’t see crystals all over the place, it was still a bit of a let down to realize that the crystals were also dead in the Force. Perversely, the further he went in the colder he also got. Anakin hunched in on himself and tucked his hands under his arms. Before long his ears stung and his nose had started to drip. His eyes watered and teeth ached and he really, really hated the cold. Why in the world had he shed that top layer? What had compelled him? It was after finally giving in and wiping his nose on his sleeve that Anakin came around a corner just in time to see Ahsoka walk around the next one.

“Hey!” Anakin jogged slightly and was just in time to see her montrals disappear as she slid down a very steep, very dark, incline. Anakin grimaced as he looked into the shadows. “Hey dummy, let me know if you need rescue out of an icy lake!”

He could hear her laugh in response and she shouted something up at him. Anakin strained but couldn’t make it out. Montrals. Of course she’d assume he could hear her, Ahsoka had a bad habit of forgetting he wasn’t actually a misshapen togruta with all the crazy 360 degree vision and echolocation poodoo.

“You want to try that again for the humans here?” Anakin waited and heaved a sigh when there was no response, kneeling down at the edge of the slope. He shouted as loud as he could, preemptively wincing in anticipation of his voice echoing around the whole cave system. “Hey, you still there?”

The silence of the caves pressed on him heavily. Frowning he scooted forwards and craned his neck to see down into the crevasse. Unlike Ahsoka, Anakin had some common sense. He grinned a little at the thought. Ok, maybe he had just a tiny bit more common sense but he was pretty sure getting stuck in a mystical ice cave by jumping blindly down some cliff was not going to end well for him. And...then there was the strong possibility that it wasn’t Ahsoka at all. The cave was supposed to give you visions after all, illusions to test you. Maybe it was seeing if he could stand on his own and be confident in his own choices. Or maybe it was seeing if he could have faith and make a blind jump. Or maybe it was seeing if he would help a friend in need. Anakin groaned, this was exactly why you weren’t supposed to overthink things in the cave. He still couldn’t seem to leave his spot though. Anakin grumbled as he slowly lowered his body to be flush with the ground, and monkey crawled a small ways forward to get as close to the edge as he could. The darkness seemed to boil out of the space, like oily black smoke.

Something  **growled** at him.

All the hairs on his neck went up and his fists clenched as he stared wide eyed. He couldn’t see anything. Anakin slowly pushed himself up onto hands and knees, ready to throw himself in any direction he needed to. The vision of dragons practically tap danced across his mind’s eye. You are a grown man, he reminded himself, you are a soldier and will not be scared by some old childhood night terror just because-

“Did you find it?” Ahsoka asked with excitement, right next to his ear.

Anakin threw himself sideways into a roll. He didn’t shriek, thank you very much, he just squeaked a bit. Anakin glared at her from his newly sprawled position, Ahsoka was crouched on the balls of her feet and seemed beyond amused as she struggled to hold back her snickering.

“You want to not kill me snips? I could have fallen!” Anakin said as he dragged himself upright.

“Fallen?” Ahsoka’s head tilted, her mirth giving way to confusion.

“Yeah fallen into the-” Anakin stared at the smooth ice wall where a near cliff had been moments ago. He waved unhelpfully before running his hand through his hair. “Fallen into the Force illusion. Still, what the actual hells?”

Ahsoka shrugged a wave a nerves flowing off her as she stood up. “Just, I guess I was just hoping one of us had found something.”

Anakin took a moment to glare at his undercoat before brushing the snow off of it, as if it was a personal affront to him. It kinda was. Crunchy water was just weird. “Not yet, what about you? No mumbo jumbo like the first time?”

Ahsoka shrugged her shoulders, one boot scuffing the floor. “Ah...no, but I’ve never been to Ilum before either.”

“You, wait, you have a lightsaber!” Anakin pointed at it, as if either of them would be confused by his statement.

Ahsoka wrapped her arms around her middle and shrugged. “Yeah, the Temple gave me the crystal for it though.”

Anakin looked around the narrow walkway they were in. “Why are we on an icy death planet if we could get crystals at the Temple?”

“It’s not like that.” Ahsoka walked stiffly past him, her voice low. “I don’t even know how it happened ok?”

Well now he’d accidently stepped in it. Anakin sighed, swiped at his nose again, and hoped she hadn’t noticed how gross he was right now. “Yeah, ok.”

They walked in silence for quite a while after that. Each second feeling heavier to him, each crunch of their boots grating more. It was ominous and uncomfortable, and he didn’t like it much. He tried to push an apology to her in the Force, and at least got a smile in return. Anakin reached out and tugged on one of the fuzzy balls connected to her hood. “You want to talk about it?”

Ahsoka worried at her bottom lip. “I got lost. At the Temple, the Force was...calling me. I could hear it so clearly and I got lost following it. I was six and restless, and kind of easy to ignore. Or, well, more like I liked hiding from people. No one knew where I’d gone, I didn’t even know where I’d gone. And there was a door.”

Ahsoka paused and so did Anakin. He reached out to squeeze her hand lightly tugging her to face him.

“I had visions, several very convincing visions. I thought I was going to die Anakin. I felt...I felt so stupid and scared. They were just real.” Ahsoka spoke mostly to his chest.

He remembered how real the illusion of his friend had seemed. Anakin shuddered to imagine what it would be like to see something terrible more malicious in the force that young. “I bet. Do you want to, talk about them? You don’t have to. Not if you don’t want to.”

Ahsoka opened her mouth to respond, and then froze. Her eyes slipped closed and face tilted upwards. Listening. It was like a light switch, warmth and confidence suddenly flowing into her. When she met his eyes again it was with a twinkle in her own. “I think I know where I need to go. See you after we both find what we’re looking for.”

His heart clenched. The caves had been far more manageable with Ahsoka there, even if they’d spent most of that time being awkward. Anakin gave her hand one more squeeze before stepping back. “You bet.”

Ahsoka gave him a firm nod, turned, and suddenly disappeared into the karking wall.

Anakin stared at the spot she vanished for a long moment, running his hands over it looking for anyway she could have gotten through. But all he could sense was solid mass at least the next ten meters back. Leaning back Anakin looked at his hands curiously. “Huh.”

Force visions. He snorted softly and glared at the wall. “Anything else you’d like to throw at me while I’m here?

The floor answered as it collapsed, and Anakin hit a steep slope. His hands scrabbling for any purchase as his boots kicked uselessly against the smooth ice as he slid. He twisted onto his belly just in time to see the lip of the crevasse disappear above him. Anakin cursed as he twisted around again to see where he was going to end up, and he hoped it wouldn’t be as a grease stain. He didn’t need to worry, the ice death slide deposited him safely into a small bank of snow. There was a delicate sounding whomp as he hit it, before Anakin popped back up gasping as snow got into all of his clothes. He struggled to force one leg in front of the other, working his way through the thigh high crunchy water death karking blasted bantha fodder. When he finally did emerge, Anakin shook out his clothes and desperately rubbed flakes out of his hair and goatee. Well Ilum didn’t seem to like him, and at this rate Anakin wasn’t feeling very charitable either. 

The planet might be guarded by a dragon, but he could be one if it really wanted to.

He stood shivering in the dark and waited for it to just try anything else. When the cave took pity on him, Anakin used the time to make a judgement call. His eyes were useless down here, and he hadn’t thought to bring a glow lamp. It was dark, total cave dark. So he did what he’d been taught to do. He reached out in the Force and-

His mother was screaming in pain, howling. All in reds, and yellows, and orange. Blood, there was so much blood. Her hands were bound above her head, her body jerking as she screamed. Endless, endless suffering and Anakin screamed each time. Each time it felt more and more real. She was dying and he was letting her die. Admiral Yularen frowned at him, passing back his leave request. “I’m sorry Skywalker.” Anakin ground his teeth and turned, his feet sinking into Tatooine’s sands, his mother now bundled in his arms. She was so light, she was too light and she wasn’t breathing and she couldn’t leave him! The night was silent and the sand shifted beneath him, and she was dying. She was dying in his  **arms.** They would pay, they would all pay for this. His mother, his kind, sweet mother, and these, these ANIMALS! His lightsaber ignited a snap hiss of blue as he cut through it’s neck-

They fought without end. Perfectly matched. Each move countered, every advantage destroyed. Anakin snarled. Of course he didn’t understand, he’d never understand! Anakin was doing what was right, this was the will of the Force and he was saving them. Obi-Wan could never understand that, not if it fell outside of his precious Order! Anakin wasn’t a Jedi, he never was and never could be. He had to do this, and Obi-Wan had refused him! Obi-Wan gave a feral grin, his lightsaber whirling around him as he responded to an ancient calling. He’d told Anakin once, he’d told him about the way that anger would pool behind his eyes and clog his veins. This was not his Obi-Wan anymore. Anakin barely got his blade up in time as Obi-Wan attacked him, the two blue lightsabers hissing and Obi-Wan spitting, “Then I will avenge them!” Anakin felt like something burst in him, lava hot spikes. How dare he? How dare he-

Anakin struggled, but the troopers wouldn’t let him pass. They barred him and held firm as Ahsoka was led past them. She didn’t turn her gaze to even look at them, she looked wrong. Something was heavy, something terrible was happening. She couldn’t go with them. Why wasn’t she fighting? Anakin screamed, like a wounded animal. She had to fight back! She had to fight back. The troopers stopped her at a short pole, and turned her around. Little gods, Anakin howled as the blasters lifted, and he pulled his lightsaber out. He wouldn’t let them, it didn’t matter if he had to run. They could run together, he swung the blade clearing the path before him. Bodies falling before him, empty white shells. The blasters turned quickly, people screamed in terror as he-

Anakin stood to the right and behind his master. His new master. They faced the large transparisteel window and watched as Coruscant burned. There was nothing left in Anakin, nothing left to let him feel anything about the display. He was more angry that he was being kept here. Their enemies were out there and he was being kept here, chained again. Shackled. He couldn’t see his master’s face, but the Force writhed as he smiled. “Patience my young apprentice, your time will come. Soon. Very soon.” Anakin dug his thumbs harder into the leather of his belt, the weight on his right hip shifting. He needed to be out there not-

Anakin slammed behind cover, gasping for air as the blaster bolts streaked past him. There was so many of them, stars, there were so many of them. Too many of them. Not nearly enough Jedi, there would never have been enough Jedi to fight off so many of them. The Order was burning. Anakin pulled down the remains of a support column and ran as soon as it fell. The younglings ran with him, their entire group managing to get into the meditation room. Anakin sliced through the panel. Buying time, not a solution. Not a solution. There were so many of them! “Master Skywalker, what will we do?” Anakin turned and looked at them. Force, what would they do with Jedi younglings? Anakin’s throat went dry. They would break them, they would break them and twist them. Anakin’s hands shook as he hefted his saber. He could at least prevent that, he could stop that-

Vader growled and fumed as Obi-Wan ran, jumping, flying, and spreading his arms wide. A pretentious and foolish gesture. The dark flared around him, the power just under his skin pulsing. “Don’t try it Anakin, I have the high ground!” Vader snarled. Anakin was dead and Obi-Wan was a fool. “You underestimate my power!” Pain, unexplainable pain as he falls. Rolling down a hill of ash. Vader grips with his only remaining hand, spitting up at his old master even as the flames crawl up his legs. For a moment it is almost cold, almost soothing before it registers as burning. It hurts, it hurts! “I hate you!” Vader tries to crawl, intent on pulling the jedi down with him, and only slides further towards the magma. Obi-Wan reaches down and picks up Anakin’s lightsaber, as if to add insult to injury. And he leaves him there on the bank-

He’d collapsed onto his knees, screaming into the floor. Shaking from the cold and shaking from the visions. Shaking as the Force refused to release him. A pressure building on him, the cosmic Force demanding, demanding, demanding. He furiously blinked away tears, one fist slamming into the ground as he fought back.  _ Do you understand? _ He could feel it. The Force telling him exactly what was going to happen. Everyone he loved would die, would die because of him. Because he would fail. Because he wasn’t a Jedi.  _ This will happen because of you. _ He choked back a sob, fingers going numb as he gripped at the icy floor. That was why he had come, he had come here to prevent this, not cause it.  _ You are mine, you belong to me. _

“No!” Anakin forced himself up, dragging himself up inch by inch. “No, I am a person and my name is Anakin.”

It was an old thing, a worn old phrase, one that had bolstered him his whole life.

Anakin gasped for air, breathing ragged and pained. “I belong to no one. I am a person, and my name is Anakin.”

_ You are the Chosen One. _

“My name is Anakin.”

_ This is your destiny. _

“I am a person-”

_ Take this and fulfill it. _

Blinding light. Anakin saw white and yellow behind his eyelids, bands of blue in swirling geometric patterns. Orange, and green, and red. One hand lifted to protect his face as he squinted. There, there in a slot on the wall, there was a crystal. His crystal.

_ Take it. _

Anakin stared at it through wide burning eyes. All the things he could accomplish with his crystal. He would overcome his destiny. He could control his own fate. He could...he could...he could ruin everything with this power. This was more than a crystal or a lightsaber. He could ruin everything if he was wrong. He couldn’t afford to be wrong. The crystal pulsed, insistent, excited.  _ Take it. _

Anakin clenched his teeth and answered, “Fuck off.”

Someone laughed behind him and Anakin whirled. His mother stood there as light easily filtered through ice itself to reveal the large room he was in. She made no move towards him, but smiled so fondly that it hurt. “Oh Ani.”

He stumbled forward, feeling exhausted and about a hundred years old. Her arms opened, pulling him into a warming embrace.

“Oh Ani, I am so very proud of you.” She whispered, placing a soft kiss against his cheek.

He didn’t speak, he didn’t dare speak. She’d disappear if he did. She wasn’t here. She couldn’t be here. His hands held tight onto the front of her tunic as he drank her in. His whole body warming as she held him. His mother smiled at him and then looked at something behind him. “Go on then Ani.”

“Mom…” his hands tightened, he was afraid to blink.

Shmi Skywalker slowly released him, her hands lifting to cup his face as she smiled up at him. “You’ll see me again. I promise. I’ll be right where I should be. Go on, and don’t look back.”

It took more willpower than he’d known he had to let go of her. It took even more to turn around and look where she’d looked. There, softly glowing, was a crystal. No compulsion, no tricks, his crystal. His crystal. Anakin could feel his mother’s presence behind him, he could feel her as if she was really behind him. Her love. Her pride. It was easy to walk forward and the crystal fell silently into his palm. The Force laughing and safe, wrapping around him like a careworn blanket. Oh. Oh wow. The crystal was like a tiny star, bright and dancing. It was excited to be with him. It was, he didn’t know what, it was amazing. Anakin curled his fingers around it, smiling.

It was almost painfully easy to leave the cave, as if it had deposited him near to the door. He brushed his fingertips along one wall, gliding over the glass like ice as he walked. The other still firmly closed around his crystal. When he emerged he found Ahsoka curled up and asleep on Obi-Wan’s leg. Obi-Wan lifted one finger to his lips and winked, then motioned him over.

Anakin chuckled when he saw the way Ahsoka’s hands were wrapped protectively around one another, pulled up to her chest. He got it now. Oh boy did he get it now. Anakin didn’t know if he could ever allow his crystal to stay away from his side. He nodded at Obi-Wan before easily settling on his other side and putting his head down on that leg. Obi-Wan frowned down at him and whispered, “Anakin, I am a Jedi, not a motel!”

Anakin yawned, and not just for show. “Really? The sign on your head said ‘vacancies’.”

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes, but his arm easily wrapped around Anakin’s shoulders the way he had with Ahsoka. It took all the bite out of his muttered, “Honestly.”

Anakin laughed, and quickly drifted off under the softness around his friends.

**Author's Note:**

> One of a few side stories I have for this universe. As always, if there is something you'd like to see specifically from this series leave a comment letting me know!


End file.
